Incidentals the last three weeks. All four tires buckling with dry rot Deming New Mexico, a man happened to notice while clearing litter from the service station drive through: you don't just need air. From his sparse rack he rolled a new four, all he had. All I needed. --The new phone's charger for the long drive home? The wrong model sent and not noticed till the phone lost power over nights in the car, the night I would've talked to you but for your lost new number on top of everything, the one you couldn't remember either when you called to say: not there yet. --The card was denied when they thought I changed homes, when they they thought it was unusual to buy ten .99 cent songs from home, when they thought Arizona was too far from home, three times darling. So the other card worked when tested, I found after years of not testing, so now there is balance. --And my watch, a slow death baffling my time! I was lost! Then the new ugly free cheap watch showed up from my mother, a pair of bare feet engraved on its face. "It was then that I carried you." Though not in the shower. Not even in the same room as the shower. --Then the 30 year-old fridge went down, took with it two bags of new spinach, four beautiful avocados, a broccoli tree, the salad dressings, a chicken breast, a gallon of milk, the frozen blackberries, corn, and carrots, two bricks of tofu, all the ice in my world on the hottest wettest days I've lived all summer. The refrigerator man left an oily puddle on the floor I mopped yesterday, puddles on the counters, puddles on the stove. The kitchen is humid and sticky. --The bedroom too. So hot and damp in bed it's impossible to sleep. Dragged the big window a/c unit into the bedroom, sweat rolling down my belly and back. Plugged it in, turned it on, blinked. Blew a fuse. Laid awake or wandered for water all night. Found an ice pack for my swollen feet. --Fixed the fuse (not me but the landlord) today, a little while ago, then watched the storm kick up minutes later, wind and a downpour, leaves, twigs, mud spattered on the porch like a blender hit the windows, power flickering, downed branches in the roadway, a mess. All of fifteen minutes. Sirens everywhere in the distance. The trees are broken. The fuses are blown all over the house.
I've been busy.
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"What cannot be said above all must not be silenced, but written. Myself, I am a man of speech, I have never had anything to write. When I have something to say I say it or say it to myself, basta. You are the only one to understand why it really was necessary that I write exactly the opposite, as concerns axiomatics, of what I desire, what I know my desire to be, in other words you: living speech, presence itself, proximity, the proper, the guard, etc. I have necessarily written upside down--and in order to surrender to Necessity" (512).
--Derrida, Between the Blinds, "Envois"
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